You Can't Fix Me
by ithatreader
Summary: She knows her life has been a living hell and that nobody can help her. Spemily one-shot inspired by I Can't Fix You... kind of.


**_HELLO BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE._**

 ** _I KNOW, I KNOW; YOU ARE WONDERING "HEY, READER... WHAT HAPPENED WITH FATE OR COINCIDENCE? ARE YOU GOING TO CONTINUE?" THE ANSWER IS YES, I'M GOING TO. SADLY I'M CURRENTLY FINISHING THE SEMESTER, IF YOU MUST KNOW, WHICH MEANS I'M LIKE CRAZY WITH PROYECTS AND EXAMS SO I'VE BEEN REALLY REALLY BUSY; HOWEVER, I'VE BEEN TAKING THIS CLASS IN WHICH I HAD TO WRITE A STORY SO... HERE'S THIS BEAUTIFUL THING AS A COMPENSATION FOR MY LACK OF UPDATE WITH MY MAIN WRITING. SORRY BEFOREHAND IF THERE IS ANY MISSPELLING AND IF YOU DIDN'T SEE, THIS IS A M-RATED STORY DUE TO ABUSSE OF SUSTANCES SO BEWARE..._**

 ** _WITHOUT FURTHER ADO... LET'S DIVE IN THIS WORDS._**

* * *

 **** _Em:_

 _How stupid and fucked up does a person have to be to ruin the only good thing she has in life? I think more than anyone can imagine and, unfortunately, I am that kind of person. How could I waste the chance you gave me, one more time? I don't deserve you and never will. You'd be much better without me. You're an amazing girl and you should be with someone who knows how to appreciate everything you are… everything I didn't see you were. I don't deserve you. No, I don't deserve you and that's why I have to go. By the time you get home and you've read this, I'll be far away out of your life for good. That's for the best; yes, that's for the best. I know that spending the whole life asking for your forgiveness won't erase all the damage that I have caused you; you had faith in me and I let you down, just like I did it over and over again. I know you're really mad, I know you reach your limit and you can't bear the burden of having me by your side, but you won't have to carry with it anymore because I'm leaving. I never meant to hurt you, I swear to God, but the temptation always was very powerful. I know it's not excuse but I am not as strong as you thought and God, I swear I tried. I still can see your beautiful smile disappeared slowly and your face showing an empty expression once you walked in the door and saw me in our bed with… that other girl. In your eyes I could see the deception, the betrayal, the rage, the sadness, the pity; then, I saw the tears. God, it has always killed me to see you cry, even more knowing that I am the cause of your tears. You tried to keep calm, like you have done so many times but you reached your breaking point and yelled while tears stream down your face. I knew that was the end. There was no solution or other opportunity. There was no longer a "you and me". The last thing I remember was seeing you leave the bedroom. I tried to go after you and explaining things but my legs didn't respond and my mind was completely cloudy so I just decided to fall in the arms of Morpheus and allow me travel to those days where things weren't so complicated._

 _I've read your note where it says that you're coming back for your things because you are going to stay with your parents for a while to think and that's why I am writing you this letter, to let you know that you are not the one who have to leave, I am. I am aware that there is no way for me to have you back and that's why I'm leaving, because I want you to have a peaceful life without worrying whether you're going to have to take me to the shower or not. All I have left for say is that I am really sorry for all the pain I caused you and I hope you find someone who can give you the things I could. I love you._

 _Spencer._

* * *

It's been a little over a year since I wrote that letter and walked away from the love of my life. I'm still thinking it was for the best, even though since that day my life ended and I'm nothing more than a living dead. After leaving the house, everything came down; I lost my job, my friends turned their backs on me, my parents didn't want to know anything from me and I started having debts with the wrong people, yet I still kept getting that stupid and hated chemist that I loved so much. Everything I have left is this old, dusty and dark apartment; well… it's not even completely mine anymore. In order to pay my debts, my provider used my apartment as a warehouse with people who I don't even know who they are walking in and out and some other laying on the floor completely wasted just like me, with those stuffs inside the stream blood. There's no sigh of the girl I used to be. What used to be a beautiful, bright brown hair, now it's nothing more than a mess of hair and some more things; the skin, once white and soft, is full of needle sticks and it's so dry that looks like it's going to start to fall. I've lost a lot of weight that I am practically a skeleton; honestly, I don't remember when the last time I ate was. My eyes are bloodshot and, beneath them, lay large circles as dark as the deepest abyss, born thanks to the countless night of sleepless where my thoughts destroyed me and, even though I tried not to think, the silence also was killing me.

I don't remember when was the last time I heard her voice or knew something about her. Before, I used to call home, just to be able to hear her sweet voice and calm a little this emptiness I feel inside me, but I stopped one day when an unknown voice was heard on the other side of the line and in the background I heard her call this person "babe". My blood boiled to know that now she was with someone else, that now there was another girl in my place and that she would have her in her arms at night, just like I once had her. I had never felt so hypocritical in life as in that moment because, in the end, the one who was unfaithful was me; more than once.

Oh, here they are again. Those fucking voices that speak, whisper and scream to me, that reassure me and drive me crazy have come back, but I don't want to hear them; not now, not ever. I want them to shut up and that's why I'm trying to put the needle in my vein. I know it's too much but at this point I don't care; I don't care if I die, at least in this way I'm not going to suffer because of those fucking stuffs anymore and I'm not going to live with the burden of knowing I don't have her by my side. I'm starting to feel my body relax, that's better. My mind is also beginning to shut out; I can hear anything around me. I think I'm finally dying and that's why I have my cellphone in my hands; I want to hear her voice one last time.

"Hello?" her voice sounds a little sleepy. I wonder what time is it. "Hello? I know you're there, whoever you are; I can hear you breath. If this is a kind of joke, please stop or I'll call the police" Now she sounds more alert and pissed. Should I say something?

"Ok, that's enough. I' gonna call the polic…"

"Wait, Em… it's me". Silence. God, I hate it.

"What do you want Spencer?" her voice sounds more calm and sad. I know she still cannot forgive me and I don't expect her to do it, I was a terrible person for and with her.

"I just wanted to hear your voice before I'm gone…" my voice barely comes out like a whisper.

"Gone? What are you talk…"

"I haven't stopped loving you, Em and I swear I tried so many times to improve, to be the person that you deserved and be the person that deserved you but I only destroyed my life and now I'm never going to be able to see those beautiful and warm brown eyes that always looked at me with love. Now I will never be able to caress your hair while we curled in the armchair. Now, I will never be able to feel your lips and I will never be able to feel your warmth that emanated from your body every time I hugged you"

"Wait, Spence… what is going on?" I can hear worry in her voice. She knows exactly what is going on; she knows that I, once more, gave in to temptation and now it fatal. I just wanted the voices to shut up; I couldn't bear to hear them say the human waste I was. They got into my head like knives and I couldn't take it anymore so I shut them up, I shut them up and now my life is being silenced forever.

I can hear movement on the other side of the line. She has gotten out of bed and now I'm listening as she opens the closet and starts looking inside it.

"Tell me where you are. I'm on my way." Oh, my beloved Em. Despite everything, her heart has kindness for me.

"That's not necessary, Em. I don't want you to see the disgust of person I am. I just wanted to hear you so I could go to sleep happy. Please, forgive me for everything. I love you".

I don't give her time to respond and end the call. I know she just wants to help me but it's useless, nobody can help me not even her. I am at the bottom of this deep sea call heroine. It was my decision to take this long and dark road. My eyes weigh too much, my whole body is numb and the little I can see is blurred. I think it's time. I just hope that some of the many people that walk in the apartment find me before she does it.


End file.
